The Meaning

I want this to be useful. It has become too easy to get lost in memories and emotion and pain, and though I have felt the need to just share it with you, and you with me, I have come away from the most basic thing I know I must tell you. Experiencing Love, living and dreaming with someone, then in the midst, learning they have suddenly passed has given me one simple ability. To know the way of the truly broken heart. I am not the first, nor the wisest, but I want to tell you in as basic a way as I can, there is a very simple moral code for nurturing the love you share with someone. Written as follows it is perhaps not purely unique nor perhaps even profound, but I believe it remains true and is a foundation for how we ought to BE with another person in consideration for their heart.

There are three main parts to this code:

1) Honor

2) Celebration

3) Nourishment

I would like to talk about each one individually in subsequent chapters, but for now, to give you a better feel for the idea, I would like to expand on the meaning.

1) Honor

Honor your partner as you would honor a best friend. Honor their trust for you, Honor them with your words and actions, Honor their life. That is also to say, do not dishonor them.

2) Celebration

Celebrate your partner for the best self they are striving to be. Focus on their most natural and positive qualities and help bring them closer to truly fulfilling them.

3) Nourishment

Be a source of health for your partner. Nourish their bodies with good food and passionate physical love.

To practice these principles in the best ways possible is not easy, of course, and does not guarantee you will not have your heart broken, or that the person you love will not pass, or that you were meant to be together for your entire lives. Such difficulties are inevitable. To practice these principles is to make a moral decision to grow the love you have found to the most beautiful expression of itself, and indeed, enjoy the fruits that such a love may produce in the warm seasons of your affection for one-another. Drawing from the things I may now only wish to express to my beloved, I hope to build a clear framework from which the creativity and uniqueness of each reader may be expressed to their partners from a position of truly rich intention - to elevate their partner, to cherish them, and to be someone they may trust.

In Honor of Edytka Marzena Wal, I humbly undertake to write this work to the best of my ability.
Every day is a struggle without you, Edytka.

Love,

Charles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qds7M3jqtKA

The First Sleep

The first night we spent together I awoke in a cold sweat, and in a moment Edyta was sitting up with me. She placed her hand on my chest as I slowly realized everything was ok and I took a few deep breaths to try to relax. After a few moments we lay down again and she kissed me on the cheek and assured me as we both fell back into a deep sleep. I had not remembered that night in a long time. 

The next morning I cooked a good breakfast for us before walking her home through the park and across the bridge the western Engineering students had designed. It was very well built and as you walk across you can feel it bounce in rhythm with your steps. The river was low as it was summertime and the water rolled over the rocks hypnotically as we stopped to watch and listen.  

When we continued to the other side Edyta turned to me and told me she was sad. She would not explain why. 

We stopped anyway and set up her camera on the roof of an old car parked at the side. It was to be the first photograph ever taken of us together. With her sunglasses on she leaned back against me and with a soft smile she posed.

All I can hear is:

You can't resist her.
She's in your bones.
She is your marrow
. . .
You can't avoid her.
She's in the air. . .
In between molecules of
Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide.

Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.

You walk up to her.

Ask her to dance.
She says, "Hey, baby, I just might take the chance."
You say, "It's a good thing

That you float in the air. . . 
That way there's no way I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces."

Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.

Only in dreams.

Lyrics by Weezer 

  

Electric

'Too Good to be True Kind of Love'

-Ed Sharpe and the Zeros-

Accompaniments:
 1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrddMRFyuzs
2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8sa6qiHx7A

Beautiful fools in love make me smile. Especially old ones. They're truly special. I notice them more now - walking together, helping each other. They must wonder why this 25 year old smiles at them.

An old friend messaged me that she'd become engaged. She was one of the first people to teach me something special about life and I was very pleased to hear the news. She said that all everyone wanted to talk about was the wedding and the exciting things to do with it, but when she took a moment to ask her elders about something more, her heart was to be left unanswered. The questions can be posed many ways, but we (the youth) often ask 'what it takes'. We ask them 'what it's like', and 'what they would do differently', and 'what they did right'. My dear old friend, painted the picture of the grunting and groaning and even laughing that followed, as older folks do when we ask such questions. I laughed too, as I am sure they would most love for us to simply enjoy the experience of love this stage has to offer. And, surely, their lifetime of experience cannot so easily be summarized into the moment of inspiration we are looking for.

The moment passes of course, and an icy night like tonight comes along, and we keep warm under our thick blankets or by the carpet next to the fireplace, and with or without love, we can just lay down and wander our inner space. And until our last breath, emotions will flow through us like monsoons and deserts and earthquakes. At peace, we are a dark ocean mirroring a starlit sky. But in life and haste, we are filled with weather. Every great battle and every great love comes through this space. So easily we evolve in our helices of thought and words whose architect is unknown. Loved ones and strangers have built great monuments within us, of emotion and mazes of passion that guide our deepest curiosities. In what way are we in control? In what way are we simply grasping the rope that pulls us?

I was brought back to the great fall of 2009, before all the leaves had really begun to change, and you weren't quite sure if it was a warm spring day or if winter and darkness were slowly creeping in. The air was nevertheless electric as students with cash flooded into freedom. The parties were set to the dial of the sun and so long as it was on one side of the earth or the other, it was appropriate to have fun, however you so pleased. It was a true sort of paradise.

A few months earlier, I was setting up tables at the restaurant, when the beautiful 19 year old hostess with golden skin and a name tag that read "Edyta", leaned in and asked if I would like help. I instantaneously had to do everything in my power to not fall into her eyes as her smile became the center of the universe. I was helpless in her gravity and in that moment, I became the richest fool in the world, blissfully unaware of the heaven that looked back at me. The shift went on and I surely spilled a drink on some poor little girl, and a manager had to comp the table, but it was done.

Several days passed and I was training with a friend, skating with a few of the guys from the Mustangs, keeping fit, not drinking. Needless to say, I had to indulge still in the nightlife. It was a Wednesday night when after hockey a few of the boys and I rolled to Jacks to check out the scene. It was live, of course, and I gazed upon the room full of a young summer crowd, enjoying the heat. From my right walked Edyta with one of her best girls, smiling and coming towards me. 'Hi' she said. 'Hello' I said smiling. We carried some kind of conversation, but it was silent next to what was being communicated. I took a sip of my ice water, trying to conceal my smile. I like to think I played it cool as she walked away, but I could not help but turn to my boys and drop my jaw, as they did theirs. 'Bro, who was that!' they asked. I let out a long sigh and was simply speechless. I looked around a little bit later but couldn't seem to find her. The night was getting on so the guys hopped in a cab back to the hacienda, but the evening was far too irresistible not to walk, so I did.

People were pouring into the streets as the bars shut down, and the 30 minutes of post bar London shenanigans were underway. I was simply an observer this particular evening, taking a leisurely stroll home, when from my left I heard sweet voice say "Charles!" turning to see Edyta stand from the curbside garden, "my gosh" she said, "I've been looking for you all night" - the single most amazing thing I had ever heard. I was completely intoxicated from that moment on. She, her friend Adriana, and I walked North together on Richmond to get some Little Caesars pizza and head home. It was best that we took a cab at that point, but the girls insisted on making a big deal out of the cab fare. They did not have cash, and after much over reacting on Edyta's part, she continued to try and give me her debit card and pin number to take out twenty dollars for myself and simply give her the card back when I saw her at work. I laughed hysterically as it was incredibly sweet and generous, and as I would learn, very much a part of her character. I looked her in the eye and said, 'it's ok, but thank you', then leaned in a bit slow just until she thought I would kiss her lips, but at once kissed her cheek. I could tell by her body and smile, it was exceptionally appropriate, as she later revealed it was the moment she fell in love. It was the kind of kiss one could never give twice in life.

The fall came quickly forward from that warm July night, and we wasted no time falling in love. Everything was electric and heaven became our playground on earth. We road our bikes west across the city to watch the sun set from the bridge. We drove to a golden cedar cabin in the Laurentians where we midnight water skied and made love under the stars. We cooked the healthiest food together and had breakfasts that lasted until noon after which we would take a nap. We hiked for afternoons at Kaszuby, where she grew up, and she shared tonnes of her memories with me. It became an incredibly epic love I could not have imagined was possible.

It feels so good to just believe that we will be reunited with those we love, on the other side, when we all pass, but the Universe is so incredibly vast, it can be difficult to do so. I know I do not understand time or consciousness or the soul, but I can't help but ask if Edytka and I will one day be reunited. Of course, in the presence of a wise friend, I appeared a fool as he asked;

- "Charles, how do we know this life isn't the reuniting?" -

The moment I heard those words, I felt how great love may span infinite space and time. It could be billions of years of quiet and darkness, only to one day become light again, and the love come into existence, in the same way once more. I thought I was writing the beginning of a story about great love, when in fact it may be a moment in the infinite expression of a much greater love.

I am blessed to have the sweetness of love expressed through Edytka. How generous she was.

Infinite thankfulness to you Edytka. The form you took in this life was ever so perfect. I hope to see you very much the same. Anytime in infinity will do.

- Yours patiently -

Charles

Just Me and this Old Moon

Claire de lune

Accompaniment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKd0VII-l3A

Its kinda nice sit'n in the park when the moon is looking down on you. I thought to myself, Dave Matthews got it so right, "Some days it's so easy, sometimes I forget how much I want you back again. Or maybe its a game. You win some and you loose some. I know, when you find a good one, don't let her get away. Don't let her go."

Darling, I was taken out west, back to a memory that should have been so different. We were going to see you the next day and you were very much in need of a dress. Your Mom asked me to make sure it was white or cream, but to be sure it was bright. That was a solemn promise I knew I could keep. As we drove through the city the words from so many people poured through me as I read their messages. The woe and the sadness echoed in the mountains far beyond people or the world. We all wondered why you had to leave. We were struggling with the deep hopefulness that - there - just around that corner - you would walk out smiling and in one rush of extacy, life would be whole again. . .

When we arrived at a row of rather lovely boutiques, we stopped. There was much haste and bustling of the people all around. I felt in a separate world from them. It was ok though, I didn't want to be in their world. This entire day was so incredibly about you. Every fiber in my body ached for you and wanted only for you to feel joy and peace. As I walked through the main doors into an atrium filled with high glass and natural light, all I could think of was one single wish. I wished, so very much, we had come to Calgary to surprise you! I wished we had planned a secret trip to spoil you. Taking you out to all the shops, the mountains, an incredible dinner, a beautiful hotel, all just because you were so incredibly special. All because your life simply needed to be celebrated. Your shear existence intoxicated us to celebrate you completely and wholly. My love, in life you beckoned such celebration.

As I promised your Mom, the white and the cream were the only things I laid eyes on. Picking dresses, however, is no easy task for a man. But there I was in the store, not with you, feeling my mind try to understand 'goodbye', gazing upon two beautiful dresses you would look absolutely stunning in. The cream had style and a very nice flower - you would have just brought it to life. I looked then at the white dress. It was breathtaking. The white radiated in the store and the embroidery made my eyes soften, and I realized, you were only to wear white on your wedding day.

You dreamed of it.

You were destined for it.

But it would not come to pass.

It was very much my saddest thought.

At that moment I knew the story I wished we had written together: That while you were finishing your degree (as you so gracefully DID do :), I made the preparations for our travel all through France, and Spain, and Poland and all of Europe. That I chose in my heart to Love and protect you for life, and that you were the woman I knew would so lovingly bring the most incredible people into this world. I knew I would propose to you at sunset overlooking the sea. I knew we would do much travelling and enjoying friends together :). I knew this was the right story for us, and I understood why Lovers do such things in life. It is a story in our hearts and souls, one that we so powerfully often resist. It is as though we are not taught that we must be the love our partner craves. We must deliver this love to them in honor of them. Your very happiness should move gently in the wake made by lifting those you love to the places they are truly meant to ascend.

So here I sit, just me and this old moon, thinking of our fairy tale my love. I have to steal from Lana because "I tell you all the time. Heaven is a place on earth with you". I miss you so. And I want the world to understand how precious all the things in it are. You will forever be my inspiration Edytka.

Love,

Charles



 

Something I Did Right

Something I Did Right

Accompaniment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlJ3HJo0elE

I can imagine Edyta anywhere. I think of her coming out from around a corner or out of a crowd. Part of me still expects a call, or even a text. Her sweetness was tender, and her heart was even more so. I cannot help but think of all the things I would do if I could just go back. 

But, I have to smile at some things I did right. I remember: 

I was filthy from work and racing to get to London for 4 pm hockey, then to Edyta's for dinner. This particular Friday, however, I had a change of heart. I knew if I went to hockey, I would show up on her doorstep a few hours later, around 6pm, starving and smelling like the worst glove imaginable. 

It didn't seem right, so I called off the plans. I rolled right into my place - cleaned it for later, cleaned the car, showered, trimmed, shaved, and proceeded to get as handsome as possible. I felt sharp and fresh, and with a quick almond, I flew out the door to obtain the wine - a nice Californian grape, and one from Chile. Of course, there was a great deal of lust at this point, as we had not seen each other in days and days. I knew I wanted her to feel good when she saw me, and I knew how beautiful she would smile with red roses, breathing them in, cutting the stems, preparing the water and nutrients. She took the utmost care of living things, and she studied the science behind them for many many years. She was not yet confident that she was in fact a biologist, but I would tell her all the time, "baby, you are an incredibly sexy scientist".

In any case, after battling traffic, I pulled into her driveway with the roses and wine and parked behind the house. When I got out of the car, I glanced up at her window to make sure she couldn't see me, the light was on but she wasn't in sight. I proceeded down the side path between two old brick walls to the front porch and started up to her second floor apartment. Sure enough, by the first 5 steps, delicious home cooking filled the air. It was the food I missed so much during the weeks apart. Absolutely delicious home cooking. 

I got to the top of the stairs where I could hear her making all kinds of kitchen sounds. Pots clanging, fans blowing, lids lifting. Smiling, I knocked on the door and a few quick footsteps later it opened... There she was. Just glowing. Her cheeks were bright and warm and she wrapped her arms around me and gave me all kinds of kisses. I wished they would just keep coming and they did. We set the flowers and the wine down and just kissed. 

I wanted to give her everything she ever dreamed of having. She deserved the very best. Everything we had at that moment belonged to the other person. Our hearts especially. At the time, I knew the present moment was very good, but I could not have imagined that it would become one of my most cherished memories. The magnitude of moving her hair from her face and laying eyes upon her. I simply had no idea. I did a few things right that night and I'm thankful it was real. But as a river carves a canyon, so the space she once filled in my heart grows.

If you have a love, give them your best. It may just become your most cherished memory.

Reflections On Love: Realization and Honor

A Caution To Our Elders

Accompaniment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxbJmMMq0A4   

We are given advice from our elders who say, "Don't settle down too young", meaning "Don't get married too young", "Don't have kids too young", "Take the time to discover who you truly are, who you're compatible with", "Travel", "Give yourself space to grow, space to flourish".

This resonates with us. When we hear something sincere from our elders, we must assume it is a gift of wisdom. And we can relate. We have the fruits of youth that allow us to receive and offer much, and as such there is great pull in many directions. There is seduction of many kinds acting powerfully on our senses. We are in our sensory prime of sorts and the world seems a decadent playground. Amidst the movement, it only makes sense to us, the many, to take the advice of our elders as meaning something true, something not unlike, enjoy.

I firmly believe that all of the above is true. But if you pay attention, life is happening in a range of very special frequencies; harmonics if you will. Though most of us entrenched within it do not see, youth is indeed short-lived, and in it, many decisions that define your life are made.

Here, I am referring specifically to decisions about love and intimacy and the decision to care for someone fully and wholeheartedly. We do this at very young ages and very old ages. We are capable of loving deeply and in a profound way at any age. The reality is, however, there are differences in the way our love evolves and is experienced and expressed through our being, nevertheless, this note refers specifically to your love (the Reader).

One of the most significant acts in our lives, is that of commitment to a partner, be it emotionally, physically, spiritually and or all of the above. This act is profound. In many ways it defines how we feel about ourselves, our self image, the way we conduct our daily lives, our pursuits for companionship. The desire for partnership and love is potentially the deepest part of our existence. To be with, and to not be alone.

Sure enough, along our youthful travels we fall heavily in love with some being who simply captivates us beyond rational explanation. This is so, even at the present moment. The question is, what ought we do when we encounter such love? Shall we honor or sacrifice it? Shall we nurture it or devour it?

Many will say that from the moment of its creation, the love is doomed. I refuse to let this point carry weight, and I insist that it is irrelevant.

In place, I must humbly but firmly state that love ought to be Honored. It ought to be nurtured so as to flourish into the most beautiful expression of itself. Doom nor discouraging marriage statistics should play any part in the single act of growing love.

To give justice to what love ought to be is not a simple nor easy thing to live out. I believe there is a level of understanding and a realization that must be experienced before one is capable of honoring love, and truly honoring the person who is loved in the way they ultimately deserve.

This Blog is about a Journey to that discovery. It is a glimpse through the eyes of one who has found their soul-mate and lost her to much greater and much more powerful forces. In the moment you find out that they are gone, just as your life flashes before your eyes when you pass, so the life you shared with that person flashes. All of the thoughts you have ever had of them, all of the actions you have ever taken by them become the soul properties of your reflection, and in that moment you know how love ought to be treated and why. I want to share this with you, and with those who care to listen, so that maybe you will be able cherish your partner in life, the way I know will give you both peace and resonating affection.

With much love and thought about the passages ahead,

Charles M. M. Mulhern